Self-worth

I'm not sure if anyone caught that in my last post about how I was seeing a therapist this summer, but that happened. It's not a fact I go around broadcasting. I know there's still a stigma attached to seeking help when you're going through things and I know I consciously do everything I can to avoid getting a label.

But the fact of the matter is I fit every criteria for an eating disorder besides the obsessive worrying about weight. I have all the irrational thinking, perfectionist tendencies, and sensitivity that every other girl with a disorder has. It's great. Except really not.

When you're in that mindset, you blame absolutely everything on yourself and never on others. 

The reason that boy doesn't like you? You said something stupid and are super annoying even though that's not what he said. 

What are your roommates whispering about in the other room? You. They didn't tell you about their date because they hate you, even though you've been gone all day. 

You're the reason your boss is quiet and grouchy at work. She hates you and thinks you suck at your job. And being so anxious about this makes you make a lot of mistakes at your job even though you are actually pretty good at your job.

You suck at driving and everyone on the road constantly wants to honk at you 'cause your so dumb.

And anytime anyone does anything to reinforce those thoughts, like your boss asking you to change something on a report you just submitted or a roommate ignores you, in your head you're thinking, "Yup, I was right....."

So self-esteem? What's that? I kind of talked myself into believing that I had high self-esteem and a lot of confidence in myself. I got really confused when people would say something contrary to that, especially as I got deeper into the social work program. I started realizing I was this scared insecure girl that desperately wanted to be accepted but believed everyone hated me.

Realizing how much I had torn myself down this summer was so hard. There was a day in therapy where I was telling my therapist how I always felt like I was so weird and abnormal. I really believed people would look at me and wonder what my problem was. My therapist looked me in the eye and said, "To be completely honest, socially there is nothing weird about you. Not at all. Never have I thought that about you." I remember just walking out to my car and bawling. I couldn't believe how mean I let the thoughts my in head get. If I didn't think people hated me and thought I was weird all this time, I could have been happy years ago. But I let those thoughts in my head get so destructive......

Thanks to the help I got over the summer, I'm getting a lot better at catching those thoughts but a few will still slip through the cracks. I still question from time to time if people really don't think I'm weird, but I can fight that off now.

Anyways, I don't know where this post is really going. I guess I just recognize I still have a ways to go as far as building that confidence in myself goes. I hope other people aren't in the same situation. Please don't let those negative thoughts get to you. Fight it off. Better yet, let God help you fight them off.