Self-worth

I'm not sure if anyone caught that in my last post about how I was seeing a therapist this summer, but that happened. It's not a fact I go around broadcasting. I know there's still a stigma attached to seeking help when you're going through things and I know I consciously do everything I can to avoid getting a label.

But the fact of the matter is I fit every criteria for an eating disorder besides the obsessive worrying about weight. I have all the irrational thinking, perfectionist tendencies, and sensitivity that every other girl with a disorder has. It's great. Except really not.

When you're in that mindset, you blame absolutely everything on yourself and never on others. 

The reason that boy doesn't like you? You said something stupid and are super annoying even though that's not what he said. 

What are your roommates whispering about in the other room? You. They didn't tell you about their date because they hate you, even though you've been gone all day. 

You're the reason your boss is quiet and grouchy at work. She hates you and thinks you suck at your job. And being so anxious about this makes you make a lot of mistakes at your job even though you are actually pretty good at your job.

You suck at driving and everyone on the road constantly wants to honk at you 'cause your so dumb.

And anytime anyone does anything to reinforce those thoughts, like your boss asking you to change something on a report you just submitted or a roommate ignores you, in your head you're thinking, "Yup, I was right....."

So self-esteem? What's that? I kind of talked myself into believing that I had high self-esteem and a lot of confidence in myself. I got really confused when people would say something contrary to that, especially as I got deeper into the social work program. I started realizing I was this scared insecure girl that desperately wanted to be accepted but believed everyone hated me.

Realizing how much I had torn myself down this summer was so hard. There was a day in therapy where I was telling my therapist how I always felt like I was so weird and abnormal. I really believed people would look at me and wonder what my problem was. My therapist looked me in the eye and said, "To be completely honest, socially there is nothing weird about you. Not at all. Never have I thought that about you." I remember just walking out to my car and bawling. I couldn't believe how mean I let the thoughts my in head get. If I didn't think people hated me and thought I was weird all this time, I could have been happy years ago. But I let those thoughts in my head get so destructive......

Thanks to the help I got over the summer, I'm getting a lot better at catching those thoughts but a few will still slip through the cracks. I still question from time to time if people really don't think I'm weird, but I can fight that off now.

Anyways, I don't know where this post is really going. I guess I just recognize I still have a ways to go as far as building that confidence in myself goes. I hope other people aren't in the same situation. Please don't let those negative thoughts get to you. Fight it off. Better yet, let God help you fight them off.

Lucifer

Just this morning I was asking myself why I decided taking Pearl of Great Price was a good idea this semester. More often than not when I tell my supervisor at my internship, "I can get there around noon after Pearl of Great Price." It always seems like he wants me there sooner......so of course I feel bad and want to skip class.

As I read through Moses 4 in preparation for today's quiz, I had this thought pop into my head. Was Satan always supposed to be Satan? If not, how does the plan of salvation work without someone there to tempt us? I know everyone's born with the gift of agency, so doesn't that apply to our fallen brother too?

After we got the quiz out of the way, I raised my hand and asked this question. My teacher, being the brilliant man that he is, gave me an answer I never really thought about before. Everything we do that's bad is not because Satan tempted us to do it. Our bodies have drives, desires, wants, needs, that just come because we have a body. Satan can tempt us to give into those, but ultimately our fight isn't against Satan, it's against ourselves.

That concept rang true to me so quickly. After going through intensive therapy this summer for my eating disorder and having my irrational thoughts challenged left and right through that, I know what it's like to fight within yourself. It's definitely the hardest thing I've ever experienced in my life. And it's not something that was fixed so quickly. I still have moments, heck, I had a pretty bad one today, where I beat myself up over nothing. 

I was at my internship with juvenile probation helping supervise some community service. Another intern had to go plug in a power cord into an outlet, so while she walked towards it, I helped unroll it. After I got done, my supervisor said, "Woooow. Because you just unrolled that so annoyingly, you're going to have to roll it back up when we're done." I felt so stupid. So so so so so so stupid. I had a few rational thoughts pop up like I didn't mean to be annoying, I was just trying to help, I didn't know. But then there was the I probably shouldn't have touched anything, I'm so stupid, He hates me now, Everyone else around probably thinks I'm an idiot, I'm so awkward, Why do I even try, etc. This little shame storm went on for the rest of community service. When we started cleaning things up, I went over and started wrapping up the cord with my head down, still feeling like such an idiot. Then my supervisor looks at me and says, "Hey, (Other Intern) is supposed to be doing that since she unrolled it so weirdly before." .....Yup. All that shame storming and he wasn't even talking to me before. Then I started feeling stupid for thinking he was talking to me before. I'm aware of how dumb this all is, no worries. The thing is now I'm recognizing it and catching it. But even though I'm not quite perfect at it yet, I know it's something I'm capable of catching and correcting.

So the fact that our fight is against ourselves in this life.........that gives me so much hope. After doing some of that fighting, I know it's something I can accomplish with God's help. I don't know if anyone else gets super hung up about if they're going to make it into heaven or not like I do, but learning stuff like this quiets those fears. Logically I know because I worry about it so much, I'm probably fine in this respect, but my brain's still figuring out how to think about everyday situations logically instead of always assuming the negative.

So why did I take Pearl of Great Price this semester? I need it.